When It Isn’t Okay

Everyone makes mistakes, but when do those mistakes become a pattern? Our brain is built to gravitate toward patterns, which is why we tend to see faces in everything. So, it stands to reason that we recognize patterns in human behavior. The importance of this isn’t just recognition, but taking action once the distinct pattern emerges.

I posted something on Facebook today, and I really feel like writing about it may help someone. If nothing else, it may help me through the healing that I am trying to achieve.

Sometimes we care about someone so much that we want to tell ourselves that their actions are simply a result of ignorance. “They hurt me, but they didn’t mean it. They couldn’t have.” Or “Surely they wouldn’t hurt me like that.” Be careful! People will show you who they are if you are just open enough to see and hear them. There is always a pattern. We just have to find it. One of the hardest things to do is accept when someone you care about is hurting you intentionally.

As a PTSD survivor, I’ve learned that there are many things that trigger me. In fact, I can’t even keep it all straight most of the time. Someone who is supposed to care about me actually told me that it was hard for them to keep track of everything that triggers me. I know that’s true. I can’t imagine trying to be supportive of me when I’m at my worst. With that said, I think it is important to understand the triggers of someone you love. I also think that work needs to go into avoiding them. Sometimes there’s no winning, and I realize that. With that said, if you decide to have a heart-felt conversation with someone about a trigger and the person chooses to make a decision that provokes that trigger, do they really care about you? Did they hear you? Did they listen? The quick answer to that would seem to be no. I am a firm believer that actions and words have to line up. If someone is nodding their head in agreement or understanding and turns around an engages in an action that is linked to your trigger it would stand to reason that one of two things have happened. They either didn’t listen or they didn’t care.

So let’s take the first one. They didn’t listen. In any relationship, whether it is familial or otherwise, listening is key component to communication. The sad part is that most people communicate to be heard. They don’t actively listen to what’s being said. They are waiting for their turn to speak. In the process of all of that, what you say gets lost. So, nothing gets internalized.

The second possibility is that they didn’t care. Unfortunately, I know too many people who allow their ego to get the better of them. Sadly, most of them are men. I am not beating up the male gender by any means, but nine times out of ten a man, especially young men, allow their ego to make some pretty irrational decisions. That’s not to say that women are any better. I know some pretty terrible females who simply do not care who they hurt in the course of their conquests.

Back to the, “they didn’t care.” This is where you have to dig deeper for a pattern. Has their bad behavior been consistent? Have you told them that it hurts you? Does the behavior continue even after you have voiced your hurt? Have they tried to blame YOU for their poor behavior?  If the answer to these is “yes,” it’s time to do some soul searching and decide if the person has a place in your life.

Everyone hurts. Everyone gets hurt. Everyone hurts someone else. That is just human nature. Nevertheless, when someone repeatedly hurts you, that is not okay. You have to learn what is best for your mental health and move toward healing, even if it means cutting certain people out of your life.  This isn’t something that is simple nor easy. It’s hard. It’s terrible. It makes us feel as if we are constantly losing at this game called life. Someday, however, we will be able to accept the situation for what it is, call it by its right name, and move on. Until that day comes, don’t be too hard on yourself.  Mental abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and/or sexual abuse have a way of rewiring the brain, which will change everything down to your core personality. Stop beating yourself up for things you didn’t have anything to do with, and don’t let anyone blame you for your abuse.  Don’t allow someone to use your abuse as a scapegoat so they can be blameless.  That is another form of emotional abuse.  Furthermore, stop allowing others to have a go at you.  Stand your ground.  Be true to you.  Call people out.  Take back your power.  Just because someone hurt you doesn’t mean you have to continue to be a punching bag for their poor decisions, their ego, and their lack of empathy. Always be true to you.

I am in the process of trying to believe the aforementioned paragraph.  It’s easy for me to tell you these things; what actions to take and how to do it.  Still, it isn’t so easy to execute that plan in my life.  It is difficult to heal.  It takes strength, and sometimes you won’t feel all that strong.  It’s okay to say, “I need space.”  It’s okay to say, “What you did to me was wrong, and I am angry with you.”  It’s okay to say, “The way you’re treating me isn’t fair.”  It is okay to acknowledge your feelings.  From what I understand as a practitioner and a patient, those are the first steps to trying to put your life back together.  It is an uphill battle every single day.  The important thing is to never give up.  When you see a pattern, recognize it for what it is and act accordingly.  Take that lesson with you so that you will be able to avoid it in the future.

 

The journey

The last 16 months has been a lot for me to work through and understand. In the process I have hurt people, but I’ve also been hurt. However, there comes a time when we have to look passed our hurts and rise above all of the things that have tried to tear us down. Walking away from an unhealthy relationship can be a culture shock for just about anyone. When you’ve been out of the game for as long as I have been, dating can be quite shocking as well. Working through getting to know one another can be a tedious process. Unfortunately, learning how to function in a healthy relationship can take time.

Based on my own personal experience, it is going to take a lot longer than 16 months for me to figure myself out. Some days are much worse than others, but for the most part, at least lately, I’ve tried to enter each day with a better attitude. I want to be better. I want to find myself. I want to be healthy. Wanting and doing can be difficult.

Cutting certain people out of your life is almost a must. Loyalty means a lot to me, and when I feel like someone has betrayed me it is really difficult for me to find trust in them again. I’m not mean, but my ability to fully believe or have faith in anything that comes out of their mouths is challenging. Although I don’t believe this is something I should or even need to let go of, I do believe that I must make strides to forgive and move forward. I think that’s the hardest thing: forgiveness. I have found that the hardest person to forgive is myself.

I pity the folks who have watched me torment myself for the last year and a half. It has had to be an excruciating process. I have hated myself for so long, I don’t know how to do anything but that. Nonetheless, I am learning that I am can be strong. I am learning that I am worthy of love and peace. I am intelligent and hard working. I have raised a great son, and I have so much to be thankful for. I think in trying to become a better, more centered person focusing on my blessings is the best way to go. It takes the emphasis off of feeling sorry for myself and puts the focus on all of the wonderful things in my life. It assists in an attitude change.

It is perfectly okay to take the time to get to know yourself again. That is exactly what I intend to do!

Is happiness a choice?

The simple answer to this? Yes. Every single one of us has gone through things that hurt. Some of those things impact our overall mental health. Some of those things just leave a few lacerations that eventually heal.

Since my last post, I have been working diligently to overcome some of the insecurities I have. It isn’t easy. It is an excruciating process. However, I believe that a choice has to be made to be happy; to pursue it willfully. This choice isn’t always easy to make. Why? People and past hurts.

All of us have demons. Some of them walk out of the closet, stand before us, and are unapologetic in their approach. Some of those demons are triggered by events during the day. Either way, stopping and thinking about how we will react isn’t always easy. Humans are very easily conditioned. Our responses come from years of associative learning. If we have spent years dealing with abuse, our responses will reflect this. If we have been treated fairly, the responses will reflect such treatment. With that said, there are many mental health disorders that are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Those mental disorders can amplify perceived gestures from others. However, keep in mind that trauma chemically changes everything in the brain.

So what can you do to embrace your choice of happiness? A little magic always helps. Each practitioner has a different way of doing things. I don’t typically follow books. I look into my heart and listen. To help me clear out the pain of the last 20+ years, I was directed to do a releasing ritual. That included burning a white candle to call in positive energy, love, self-forgiveness, and light. I burned lavender incense to call in peace, calm rest, and relaxation. I burned dragon’s blood to amplify the intent of the prayers. I did this for three days, morning and evening. Do I feel better? Somewhat. Nonetheless, it is a daily task to hold myself accountable for my own destiny, and with that, my own happiness. Happiness is a choice. Despite the pain all of us have gone through, there is a light that we can see if we focus long enough. Once we see even a sliver of that light, we have to make the decision to walk toward it. It’s the sun shining down through the darkness of pain, suffering, abuse, and anger. Let the sun heal you. Let the possibilities that lay before you give you the hope you deserve!

Love and light to all of you. Have a great week!

The Hell of Insecurities

Insecurities. We all have them. The reason I’m writing this today is because it has been a hot topic among my peers lately. Sometimes writing helps me makes sense of things, so perhaps typing this out will serve that purpose.

I believe that there is a tremendous difference in the way women and men handle personal insecurities. From what I’m gathering men tend to recognize insecurities, but then they promptly stick them in a box. They acknowledge the issue, but they quickly bury it and move forward. Women, on the other hand, seem to laser focus on them. We rip them apart, analyze each piece, put them all back together only to tear them apart again. We continue to focus on them until we get on everyone’s nerves. The problem is that we don’t mean to do it. We’d rather not even recognize those insecurities, but it’s not as easy as mind of matter especially when those insecurities are tested on a continuous basis. It’s like a cut that keeps getting infected. No matter how much we try to prevent the infection, somehow the bacteria sets up shop and will not stop until we take a round of antibiotics. Unfortunately, there are no antibiotics for insecurities that are a direct result of trauma and abuse.

For those who are survivors of abuse, whether it is childhood or otherwise, you know that it is easy to feel a little broken. Sadly, those around us often bear the brunt of our trauma. Most of that trauma is channeled into deep-seeded insecurities. They come out at the most inopportune times. This is a fact I am painfully aware of. However, no matter how much I would like to stop the cycle, I can’t seem to get a grasp on it.

A distinct lack of trust is born from those vast insecurities. While that hurts the ones we love, we can’t seem to stop ourselves. We make someone else pay for the sins of others. We are triggered by the damnedest things. Our feelings spiral out of control, and we feel like we may never reach secure footing. Even when people offer a hand, we don’t know whether to take it or not. They may hurt us.

Let’s go back to the continuous open wound. Working through insecurities and distrust takes a massive amount of time. We may make tremendous progress, but all it takes is one thing to reopen those nasty wounds. It can be something as minor as a word or it can be as big as someone’s actions. Typically, it’s both. This is where I’m at right now. I am trying daily to stitch myself up only to have the stitches ripped out continuously. My first instinct is to shut down and turn away from the thing that’s causing me pain. Yet, I keep at it because most of the time the pain is accidentally inflicted. It doesn’t mean that it hurts any less. The scar tissue doesn’t even have the time to form before those stitches are torn out again. Hell, I can’t even build up a scab let alone a scar.

I have a psychological background, so I know about mental illness, trauma, treatment, recovery, and therapies. Nonetheless, I can’t seem to find my own healing. It isn’t for a lack of trying either. I find that I just want to be a recluse and push away people who can and do cause me pain even if they don’t mean to. It’s easy to exist that way, but that’s no way to live. It’s a catch-22.

The thing about easing insecurities, jealousy, and rage is that we must feel in control, but control is an illusion. None of us ever truly have control. The loss of control fuels the anger and frustration which then feeds into the other negative feelings we battle. Again, a catch-22.

A lack of control seems to trigger me. I get really angry and want to throw up my hands. It’s easy to walk away, but is it really? Sometimes I believe the answer to that is “yes,” while at other times I believe it’s a hard “no.” It isn’t as simple as saying, “If it causes me pain, then I need to get away from it” because when you have suffered trauma, everything causes pain. The littlest things can cut very deeply, but no one seems to understand that unless they have been through something similar. However, I’ve seen people minimize the trauma of someone else. That isn’t right either.

I thought that by writing this I might find some answers, but it turns out that I haven’t. All I see is that my insecurities seem to continue to torture me no matter how much I don’t want them to, but on the flip side of that, I also realize that in some circumstances I am being set up to fail. So, is it really my fault? Or does the blame lie elsewhere? I wish I knew.

Maybe this will get a discussion started. I don’t know. What I do know is that facing my demons on a daily basis is exhausting, and it becomes even worse when other people are reinforcing all the pain that I already feel. When you know that others are working against you, then you feel like you have very little chance of even attempting to rise above the darker parts of yourself. That isn’t where I want to be, but it isn’t as easy as saying, “Well then change.” It is so much bigger than that.

Still Breathing

Hello all. If has been a very long time since I’ve been here, but I wanted to assure you that I’m still alive. My life has taken on so many changes, but I’m finally able to breathe.

In January, I unplugged from everything spiritual. I laid my dog of 12 years to rest, and I thought I would lose my mind. I took some time to shut off the spirits so that I could grieve. It was difficult coming home without my sweet boy to greet me. My son and I struggled with his loss, and we still do. However, we have a new family member that has really helped us.

Her name is Artemis Grace, and I am training her to be a therapy dog. She turned 5 months old on Saturday, and she still has a lot to learn. She is energetic and keeps me on my toes. She is a German Shepherd, and she is one of the smartest dogs I have ever met!

I’ve been spending some time writing, but I don’t have anything coming out soon. My main focus has been on my relationships. When I finally decided to plug back into the spirit world, that has also been a major focus. I have been doing private readings with clients for quite some time now, too.

I’ve been through a divorce since last I visited here. In the Spring of 2018 I met a pretty great guy. We’ve had our ups and downs, just like every couple, but the fact that our souls have traveled together almost since the beginning helps us when things get rough. We keep teaching each other every day. We challenge each other a lot. It’s hard when you’re on a journey, but you don’t know exactly how things will end, especially for someone like me. I am trying to keep the faith and rely on what the spirits tell me. That isn’t always easy, but I know this man was sent to me for multiple reasons. I trust that.

My son is doing well. He is seventeen now! He will graduate from high school next spring. I can hardly believe it! My baby boy isn’t a baby anymore. He’s working and is building his own life. As a parent, that’s what we shoot for. We want to raise our kids to be independent adults who can stand on their own and use the tools we’ve supplied them. It’s a double-edged sword. While I know he is more than able to do what I’ve taught him to do, I will eventually have to let go and watch him fly. THAT is going to be very difficult!

I plan on adding to my YouTube Series about spirit animals. It’s gotten a lot of attention, especially within the last six months. So, I think that’s a pretty good incentive to keep going with the series. A good friend of mine has a studio, so we’re going to shoot for a more professional feel to the series. I’ll let you all know when that is finished.

For now, I simply wanted to say hello and check in. Please leave a comment so we can catch up! I hope to be back sooner than later! I want to start writing in my blog again. I missed the release of writing. So, hopefully I will see you all again very soon!

Love and light!

Coming Out

I have added a new page to my blog.  I am scheduled to do my first public psychic event this month.  I have struggled with coming out to the general public about my abilities.  People put you in some pretty awful categories when they know that you have abilities.

To help my local folks figure out what services I provide, I added the page to my blog.  To give my blog audience an idea of what I do, I’m a medium and I can do past-life readings.  I don’t do future readings.  I don’t work with tarot or palm reading.  My connection is with the past.  It’s true I do have some glimpses of the future, and when that happens I can relay that information to the client.  The thing people forget is that the future is always in motion.  It changes with every decision that’s made, with every moment, of every second, of every day.  The future will also be that way.  I’m not a fortune-teller.  I can help you find direction with what you already know to be true in your heart.

So, if you aren’t afraid of such things, and are even interested, please feel free to contact me with questions.  I am setting up sessions for the new year.

Psychic Counseling & Past-Life Readings

Spirit Animals: Kangaroos (final series post)

Welcome to the concluding post for this series.  I certainly hope you have enjoyed learning about the various animals that have come to my mind.  I believe this series was inspired by something greater than me, so someone out there needed to understand the phenomenon of spirit animals.  Since I published this blog, I’ve done some psychic readings and the animals have popped through.  I have been able to reference my blog to help them understand the creatures that have come to them.

Today I am going to focus on the kangaroo.  After all, we are bouncing into the new year as of tomorrow.  So, what better way to end the series than on a bouncy note?

The appearance of the kangaroo reminds you that the only direction you can go is forward.  You’ve had all year to gather momentum, and now it’s time to keep moving forward.  Don’t look back.  The past is only a chain around you ankle in the ocean of life.  All you need to understand is that forward-motion is adequate.  You don’t have to work at clearing a path.  Your spirit guides have already done that in preparation for the kangaroo to arrive.

The fact that the kangaroo is a Marsupial can also mean that you are in a nine month cycle (Spirit Animal Totem).  Take a look at the things that have happened in the last nine months.  There is a pattern that should be visible to you.  If you have been working on a project, it likely began nine months ago.  If you are beginning a new project, it will probably come to fruition in about nine months as long as you are committed to finishing it.

This also means that you need to leave a bad situation behind.  The kangaroo encourages you to bounce forward.  All you need to do is allow your instincts to take over.  When you settle and quiet your mind, the answer will be clear.  Overall, the answer means you need to drop the situation and bounce on.  How do you do this?  Read on.

The kangaroo offers strength and stamina as long as you go forward and do not cling to the past.  You already have the ability to balance your creative energy or your intuition to take that leap forward.  You are already a very focused individual.  In fact, you usually have to shield from other energies.  You have to keep that energy field clear of external influences.  Without that ability to will cling to what doesn’t belong to you.  Furthermore, if you do not center yourself and listen, you will not be able to ground.  Without the power of grounding, you are in flight.  With the situation you are in, you don’t want to be flying around.  You need to hop out of whatever it is that is holding you captive.  You already know the direction you need to go in.  Simply look at your kangaroo, and she’ll show you how to hop through the difficulty.  She will also say, “Don’t look back.  Focus on all that lies ahead!”  That should be really exciting! Further to that point, Love explains that the kangaroo represents a quantum leap that you need to take.

When I think of the kangaroo, I think of Kanga from Winnie the Pooh.  She was loving and nurturing.  On top of that, she was a beautiful symbol of “uncharted territories” (Love).

The arrival of a kangaroo inspires you to do more.  It helps you reach personal goals.  It allows you to pull pleasure into your life.  So, when you see the leaping and hopping going on, that means that your physical desires are something you should be looking at.

Physically, the kangaroo has a very long tail.  How is it used?  To balance.  Are you balancing?  If not, meditate with your kangaroo.  The animal will probably teach you to balance stress, choices, life, health, and a host of other situations.

Kangaroos also fight.  They “box.”  It’s rather disturbing to watch, but wow can these animals compete!  Whether you know it or not, you have a competitive streak.  You may not want to recognize it, but you have it.  The kangaroo may have hopped to you so that you embrace that part of yourself.  Additionally, the kangaroo could be a part of your life now to teach you how to express your competitive power.

The take-away message surrounding this special animal is moving ahead.  That sounds easy.  It isn’t.  Our nature is to hold onto things we should let go of.  Don’t deny it.  There is something you are holding on to.  Only you know what that is.  If you feel the presence of a kangaroo, you are being directed to move away from what is holding you back.

As I close this series, I want to let you know that I am working on The Thin Dark Veil again.  This series will be included in that book.  I wanted to publish the book over a year ago, but something didn’t feel right.  It was because there was much more coming that required inclusion in the book.  So, my goal is to put it out by Valentine’s Day.

I hope you have enjoyed getting to know the psychic part of me and that you have connected with the animal especially made just for you!  Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve.  Stay safe!  Love and light to you always!

References

Kangaroo symbolism.  (n.d.).  Spirit Animal Totems.  Retrieved from https://www.spirit-animals.com/kangaroo/

Love, P.  (n.d.).  Kangaroo symbolism [Blog post].  Universe of Symbolism.  Retrieved from https://www.universeofsymbolism.com/kangaroo-symbolism.html