Reflections and forward thinking

Here we are again at the end of another year; another year of the “new normal” has come and gone, and I know I’m not the only one who’s over it. Still, I wanted to try to end this year on a positive note. It’s been a while since I’ve written in my blog, so I thought “Why not?”

This year, as most before it, has been filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, and lessons. I ended a 3.5 year relationship at the end of September. I am embracing the true meaning of healing. My dad almost didn’t make it through the month of September due to heart problems and surgery complications. Thanksgiving was not exactly as I’d hoped due to dad being ill. Christmas made up for it, nevertheless. I have made new friends and leaned on old ones. I am still suffering from a major case of writer’s block, so no new stories or books just yet.

But what of the lessons in 2021? I am learning to live in the here and now. I’m trying to learn not to stress about the future or what may be. All we’re promised is this very moment. Nothing more, and nothing less. I’m trying to understand that I deserve good things in my life.

I’ve learned through not only personal experience but also through education that mindset is the key to almost everything. Cognitive Behavioral practice teaches us that if we change the way we think, we can change the way we behave. Our thoughts dictate our feelings which then dictate our actions. If we can get a hold of our thoughts first, we can change everything from there. Thoughts don’t have to produce the outcome. Anxiety and CPTSD/PTSD have a way of coloring our vision. Those of us who deal with PTSD/CPTSD have a terrible habit of building things up in our minds. We do it in such a way that everything feels worse than it actually is. The mind can create a completely fictional horror story that takes us down the rabbit hole. If we can stop the train before it derails, we can center and ask ourselves, “Is this reality, or do I just think it’s reality?” Easier said than done, I know, but each day we have the chance to wake up with a fresh perspective. We can rehearse daily affirmations that tell us we are worthy and able to overcome whatever life throws at us. We are good. We are capable.

With all of that in mind, nevertheless, it’s important to recognize signs and signals that are real; the evidence that things aren’t alright and that you aren’t in your head or in your feelings. It’s important to be able to tease apart what’s real from what you’re creating with your own thoughts. Remember that we can manifest our reality, whether that is positive or negative. Still, if the physical evidence is pointing in a certain direction, it’s okay to take a step back. It’s also okay to address situations that hurt you or that make you feel uncomfortable. Boundaries are extremely important in general, but especially for folks with PTSD/CPTSD. Some of those boundaries are directly linked with triggers. When sharing your boundaries and/or triggers, if the other party(ies) want you to compromise those, you may want to take a hard look at what’s really happening.

This year I learned the true definition of gaslighting. It is a terrible type of abuse, too. I didn’t realize how horrible it was and that I had fallen victim to it for over 15 years. “Did you really remember that?” “I didn’t do that.” “That’s not what I meant.” Red flags flying… and more than likely, when they are flying, they have been there long before you arrived. Sadly, they will likely always be there.

We all have imperfections. We have all been through things. We’ve all been hurt. There is a difference between red flags and faults. Faults can mimic red flags, that’s true, but what helps us figure out the difference is to listen for and recognize repeated patterns of behavior. Listen to someone’s life history, and you’ll quickly be able to see any red flags. Nonetheless, reading energy is also just as important. If you’re empathic or sensitive, you can usually pinpoint whether you’re dealing with a person who has simply made some bad choices or someone who has a chronic problem. There’s an important question to ask as you analyze and reflect. Did they learn from their choices, or did they continue to make those choices hoping for a different outcome? Everyone should be afforded a little grace, but listen to what they do and watch closely. Remember, none of us are perfect, and the longer we’ve walked this earth, the more mistakes we make. We shouldn’t persecute someone for their mistakes. We should be mindful of their growth. With that said, we should also be aware of the realities that surround us.

Looking forward with my own personal journey, I’d like to start writing again. I joined a private gym in February, and I have tried to stick with it. It was based on a two year commitment. I have dealt with some illness and injury throughout the year, but I will not quit. Mind, body, and spirit… it all has to be nourished. Sadly, I lost sight of my spirituality for a time, but big changes can deepen your faith. I came back to a place where I want to grow spiritually and start practicing again.

My mind also requires healing. That will take much longer than any other part of me. PTSD/CPTSD physically changes the structure of the brain. EVERYTHING in the brain is modified when someone experiences trauma. So, healing that part of ourselves takes time, therapy, affirmations, finding our own safe place, and so much more. The nature of PTSD/CPTSD is that you never feel completely safe. So, achieving that can be an uphill climb. I have to believe, however, that healing is possible. I couldn’t be in the profession I’m in if I didn’t believe that healing was achievable. I know that it is. I also feel that I have done a lot of healing this year, but much more is needed.

So, in closing, I want to wish you all a Happy New Year! May 2022 be another chapter of new beginnings, welcomed opportunities, healing, and success! May you find peace and prosperity in the coming months. May you embrace your blessings and successfully navigate the challenges.

Love and light to all!

When It Isn’t Okay

Everyone makes mistakes, but when do those mistakes become a pattern? Our brain is built to gravitate toward patterns, which is why we tend to see faces in everything. So, it stands to reason that we recognize patterns in human behavior. The importance of this isn’t just recognition, but taking action once the distinct pattern emerges.

I posted something on Facebook today, and I really feel like writing about it may help someone. If nothing else, it may help me through the healing that I am trying to achieve.

Sometimes we care about someone so much that we want to tell ourselves that their actions are simply a result of ignorance. “They hurt me, but they didn’t mean it. They couldn’t have.” Or “Surely they wouldn’t hurt me like that.” Be careful! People will show you who they are if you are just open enough to see and hear them. There is always a pattern. We just have to find it. One of the hardest things to do is accept when someone you care about is hurting you intentionally.

As a PTSD survivor, I’ve learned that there are many things that trigger me. In fact, I can’t even keep it all straight most of the time. Someone who is supposed to care about me actually told me that it was hard for them to keep track of everything that triggers me. I know that’s true. I can’t imagine trying to be supportive of me when I’m at my worst. With that said, I think it is important to understand the triggers of someone you love. I also think that work needs to go into avoiding them. Sometimes there’s no winning, and I realize that. With that said, if you decide to have a heart-felt conversation with someone about a trigger and the person chooses to make a decision that provokes that trigger, do they really care about you? Did they hear you? Did they listen? The quick answer to that would seem to be no. I am a firm believer that actions and words have to line up. If someone is nodding their head in agreement or understanding and turns around an engages in an action that is linked to your trigger it would stand to reason that one of two things have happened. They either didn’t listen or they didn’t care.

So let’s take the first one. They didn’t listen. In any relationship, whether it is familial or otherwise, listening is key component to communication. The sad part is that most people communicate to be heard. They don’t actively listen to what’s being said. They are waiting for their turn to speak. In the process of all of that, what you say gets lost. So, nothing gets internalized.

The second possibility is that they didn’t care. Unfortunately, I know too many people who allow their ego to get the better of them. Sadly, most of them are men. I am not beating up the male gender by any means, but nine times out of ten a man, especially young men, allow their ego to make some pretty irrational decisions. That’s not to say that women are any better. I know some pretty terrible females who simply do not care who they hurt in the course of their conquests.

Back to the, “they didn’t care.” This is where you have to dig deeper for a pattern. Has their bad behavior been consistent? Have you told them that it hurts you? Does the behavior continue even after you have voiced your hurt? Have they tried to blame YOU for their poor behavior?  If the answer to these is “yes,” it’s time to do some soul searching and decide if the person has a place in your life.

Everyone hurts. Everyone gets hurt. Everyone hurts someone else. That is just human nature. Nevertheless, when someone repeatedly hurts you, that is not okay. You have to learn what is best for your mental health and move toward healing, even if it means cutting certain people out of your life.  This isn’t something that is simple nor easy. It’s hard. It’s terrible. It makes us feel as if we are constantly losing at this game called life. Someday, however, we will be able to accept the situation for what it is, call it by its right name, and move on. Until that day comes, don’t be too hard on yourself.  Mental abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and/or sexual abuse have a way of rewiring the brain, which will change everything down to your core personality. Stop beating yourself up for things you didn’t have anything to do with, and don’t let anyone blame you for your abuse.  Don’t allow someone to use your abuse as a scapegoat so they can be blameless.  That is another form of emotional abuse.  Furthermore, stop allowing others to have a go at you.  Stand your ground.  Be true to you.  Call people out.  Take back your power.  Just because someone hurt you doesn’t mean you have to continue to be a punching bag for their poor decisions, their ego, and their lack of empathy. Always be true to you.

I am in the process of trying to believe the aforementioned paragraph.  It’s easy for me to tell you these things; what actions to take and how to do it.  Still, it isn’t so easy to execute that plan in my life.  It is difficult to heal.  It takes strength, and sometimes you won’t feel all that strong.  It’s okay to say, “I need space.”  It’s okay to say, “What you did to me was wrong, and I am angry with you.”  It’s okay to say, “The way you’re treating me isn’t fair.”  It is okay to acknowledge your feelings.  From what I understand as a practitioner and a patient, those are the first steps to trying to put your life back together.  It is an uphill battle every single day.  The important thing is to never give up.  When you see a pattern, recognize it for what it is and act accordingly.  Take that lesson with you so that you will be able to avoid it in the future.

 

Stages of Chaos

Hello everyone. Right now I am hard at work on a new set of episodes for my YouTube channel. I want to explore and talk about the stages of chaos. When we go through traumatic events in our lives, our minds and our bodies suffer. So what does that look like and how can we move through those situations effectively? That is the mission I’m on right now; to find out how to do this and to explore the hypothesis psychologically. So, that is what’s coming up.

To give you a taste of what I’m doing, here are the stages I’ve coined:

1. Shock

2. Denial

3. Fear begets Survival

4. Anger and resentment

5. Depression

6. Resolve

7. Overcoming

My hope is that this will not only help you, but me also.

The other thing I would like to announce is something I’ve tried in the past, but I’m trying it again. Right now I’m not working, so I have plenty of time on my hands to be creative and innovative. I want to host Facebook events for authors and for businesses. Facebook and social media have been ground breaking in connecting with folks around the world. It is a wonderful advertising tool if used properly. So, that’s why I’ve started TRACEE’S SILVER LINING EVENTS. If you have a release coming up soon or a grand opening or a re-release or a cover reveal… anything that you want people to know about, please contact me. I can help manage the event and feature  you in various other places that will surely get some traffic.

 

A Social Experiment

I am apologizing in advance for the video quality, but here is your chance to weight in. Enjoy tonight’s episode.