The journey

The last 16 months has been a lot for me to work through and understand. In the process I have hurt people, but I’ve also been hurt. However, there comes a time when we have to look passed our hurts and rise above all of the things that have tried to tear us down. Walking away from an unhealthy relationship can be a culture shock for just about anyone. When you’ve been out of the game for as long as I have been, dating can be quite shocking as well. Working through getting to know one another can be a tedious process. Unfortunately, learning how to function in a healthy relationship can take time.

Based on my own personal experience, it is going to take a lot longer than 16 months for me to figure myself out. Some days are much worse than others, but for the most part, at least lately, I’ve tried to enter each day with a better attitude. I want to be better. I want to find myself. I want to be healthy. Wanting and doing can be difficult.

Cutting certain people out of your life is almost a must. Loyalty means a lot to me, and when I feel like someone has betrayed me it is really difficult for me to find trust in them again. I’m not mean, but my ability to fully believe or have faith in anything that comes out of their mouths is challenging. Although I don’t believe this is something I should or even need to let go of, I do believe that I must make strides to forgive and move forward. I think that’s the hardest thing: forgiveness. I have found that the hardest person to forgive is myself.

I pity the folks who have watched me torment myself for the last year and a half. It has had to be an excruciating process. I have hated myself for so long, I don’t know how to do anything but that. Nonetheless, I am learning that I am can be strong. I am learning that I am worthy of love and peace. I am intelligent and hard working. I have raised a great son, and I have so much to be thankful for. I think in trying to become a better, more centered person focusing on my blessings is the best way to go. It takes the emphasis off of feeling sorry for myself and puts the focus on all of the wonderful things in my life. It assists in an attitude change.

It is perfectly okay to take the time to get to know yourself again. That is exactly what I intend to do!

Bumps In the Night: Part 3–My Own Tales of the Paranormal

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s Saturday once more.  You know what that means…  time to share!

By the time I was twenty-one I was getting married again and moving farther away from home.  I stayed with my husband on the weekends in Columbus, Ohio and then lived with my parents during the week.  I was in my senior year of college.  I married my second husband in February and by spring break the paranormal stuff started again.  It went on for a week straight before I told my husband what was happening.

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Age 21, 1998–Gatlinburg, TN

The first incident I remember is that I was sleeping on the couch in the living room of the condo where we were living.  The first encounter was a dream (again).  I saw an imp in the master bedroom closet.  If any of you aren’t familiar with an imp, it’s a demon.  It was standing in the corner of the closet, gray in color with tiny horns sticking out of it’s head.  In the dream, I opened the closet door and saw it.  Horrified, I woke up and realized my husband had already left for work.

Later that day, when I was hanging up clothing, I opened the closet door, hesitantly, but nothing as there.  When I stepped into the closet, I felt the temperature drop and knew I wasn’t alone.  I quickly hung up the clothing and went about my business, trying to rationalize everything.

After that, I didn’t like sleeping in the bed without him, so when he left for work, I started sleeping on the couch.  The second encounter was a dream, too.  I saw a tabby cat walking down the short hallway of the condo toward the bathroom.  When it reached the bathroom door, it transformed into a man; a thin man with no defining features.  When the man turned to look at me, I remember thinking, “How is this possible?”  The man opened the bathroom door and slammed it, which is what woke me up; the bathroom door was open when my husband left.  When I woke, it was shut.

The next morning, things got worse.  I lay on the couch asleep when the next thing I knew I felt like something was laying right on top of me.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t open my eyes.  I couldn’t speak.  I could barely breath.  My hearing was even impaired.  I was literally paralyzed.  Now, my first thought is that I might be having a seizure, even though I had no history of this.  What smashed this theory was the smell; I smelled sulfur and rot.  That’s the only way I know to describe it.

I tried to pray, but the words wouldn’t come.  I couldn’t do anything to defend myself.  Finally, I was able to get the beginning syllable of “Jesus” out of my mouth and was immediately released.  I opened my eyes to find nothing unusual.  I wondered if I could be losing my mind.  I was concerned that I was having some kind of mental breakdown.

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Age 21, 1998–Tennessee

A housekeeper came in daily to tidy up.  I spoke to her about everything that happened that week.  I remember how attentively she listened.  She was a beautiful African-American woman who I ended up forming a fleeting friendship with while I stayed in Columbus.  She encouraged me to tell my husband.  That night, I told him.  He didn’t judge me or think I was nuts.  In fact, because he was also a believer in demonic activity, he shared some things with me.  He explained that as a boy he woke up to dark figure at the end of his bed.  Even into early adulthood he was haunted by the figure.  I wondered if what was happening to me was directly related to him.

I sought prayer through my church and was anointed.  We also met with one of his friends who was very gifted spiritually.  However, he blamed me saying that it was likely attached to me because of something I must have done.  I didn’t care who was to blame, I just wanted it to stop.

Turns out these incidents were only the beginning of things to come.

Hope you enjoyed today’s post.  Please feel free to share 🙂  More to come next Saturday!

Bumps In the Night: Part 2–My Own Tales of the Paranormal

For some odd reason, this didn’t post correctly when I first posted it, so I’m doing it again.

Well it’s Saturday which means it’s time for another post about my own paranormal experiences.  It is really hard for me to blog during the week because of working full time and my mother/wife responsibilities.

Just a recap from Part 1, I lived in an old house that I believe was haunted.  Now we’re fast forwarding to the age of nineteen.  I married the first time (I’m on my third marriage–don’t judge me, we all make massive mistakes when we’re young LOL).  My husband and I moved into a rental.  It didn’t take long for me to feel uneasy.  At first I contributed it to the fact that it was the first time I’d really been away from home, I was alone a lot, and it was all very new to me.

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1996

The master bedroom was off of the kitchen.  Right beside the bed was the entrance to the bathroom.  In other words, I was able to lay my head down on the pillow and look right into the very small bathroom.

My husband left for work one morning.  I was half asleep and I heard the bathroom door, right beside my head, slam.  I thought he’d forgotten something, so I called out, “What’d you forget?”  I got no answer.  I thought that was odd, so I got up and opened the door to the bathroom.  My husband wasn’t in there.  I checked the entire house.  He was gone for work.  I was there by myself with doors slamming.  I contributed it to being half asleep and wrote it off as such.

The kitchen always made me feel very uneasy.  I got a dog (which I had to give back when my husband and I split up less than two months after we got married).  The dog would not go into the kitchen.  I sometimes sat in the living room and could hear pots and pans sliding around in the cabinets.  I assumed it was the house settling and that this caused things to shift inside the cabinets.

What really pushed me over the edge was I had a dream.  It was as vivid and as real to me as if I were awake.  I was standing in the bedroom that separated the living room from the master bedroom.  I watched as a figure, not a man nor a woman, wrote in blood on the wall.  I don’t remember that there was any significant phrase written in the blood, but when the figure turned to me, I felt pure evil.  It made me sick.  Then I hard a gun shot in the kitchen (in my dream) and walked into the kitchen and saw blood running from the walls.

I woke up and called my mom.  I told her everything that had happened.  She came immediately and brought anointing oil.  She prayed over the house.  Things calmed down.  I found out later that someone had committed suicide in the kitchen of that house.

After my first husband and I split up I went back to live with my parents and the dreams/visions once again stopped.  However, there was one night I was out riding around with a couple of friends and we ended up on some country road that was supposed to haunted.  I felt like something was literally sitting on the hood of the car.  I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and I got sick at my stomach.  I remember knowing that we need to get off the road and we weren’t welcome there.

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1996

Looking back on it, I know that the dreams were my Creator’s way of telling me that something had happened in the house.  I always felt like something was watching me in the house.  In reality something probably was.  I believe it was the spirit of the person who killed themselves.  If I would have known then what I know now, I could have possibly helped them find peace, but I was young and was blinded by a lot of the fundamentalists beliefs that caused me to later become an atheist.  I am glad to say I am no longer an atheist, but we’ll get to all of that in future blogs.

Hope you enjoyed today’s share.  Again, I encourage you to share your stories and comment.   I know I’m not the only one that has experienced things.  In fact, if you are interested email me your experiences and I will compile them to share in a future blog.

Enjoy your Saturday everyone!

The Character of Robin Hillard in “The Fine Line”

Do you believe in love at first sight?  Robin Hillard didn’t.  Her belief quickly changed when she met Matt Gregory.

Robin has devoted her life to protecting children.  She works for the county child welfare agency and specializes in interviewing victims of sexual abuse.  She plays on the agency’s softball league.  Although she isn’t the most graceful creature, she truly tries.  A twisted ankle brings her directly into Dr. Matthew Gregory’s life when he treats her for her injury.  His sexy good looks captivate her instantly, but her cautious side holds her back.  That doesn’t stop Dr. Gregory from asking her out though.  Reluctantly, she accepts.

ImageRobin has always had a very bad habit of selling herself short.  She’s never felt good enough or strong enough or pretty enough.  She doesn’t realize that she is beautiful, smart, and vibrant, but it’s Matthew that helps her discover this.

As their love affair progresses, she remembers how to square her shoulders and Matt helps her see all of the things she’s overcome.  As a victim of domestic abuse as well as childhood sexual abuse, she associated men with those terrible experiences.  Matt quickly finds out he has his work cut out for him, but he successfully proves himself.  He takes time to get to know her.  He courts her and wins her over very fast, in spite of everything.

The whirlwind romance leads to the exchanging of rings and vows.  The happy couple embark on the adventure of becoming home owners of the majestic Pikeview Manor, a rundown, wreck of a place.  Robin is the first to experience the paranormal activity within the house.  Her faith makes her an open target.

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Robin was brought up by a fundamentalist, Pentecostal family.  However, as her life changed over the years, her faith broadened.  She finds strength in an alternative faith built on positivity and a close, personal relationship with her Creator.  She believes in the power of meditation and prayer.  She recognizes that there are far more possibilities out there than what was taught to her as a child.

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One of the possibilities she discovers is that sometimes the fine line between the world she lives in and the world she can’t see is thinner than she thought.  She begins experiencing things in the house and has vivid dreams.  It takes a while for her to realize that those dreams are a direct connection to the home’s past.  Things become even stranger when a demon presents itself to her.  She tries to tell Matt that there are things happening to her, but since Matt’s an atheist, she knows he thinks she’s lost her mind.

Robin Hillard, Gregory experiences more unexpected tragedy.  However, her stepdaughter, Olivia (Matt’s daughter), helps pull her out of the darkness and back into the light.  She finds that healing is possible even in the most horrific situations.  Robin’s faith is tested time and time again, but in the end she finds that she is stronger than she ever imagined.

(photographs were provided by free Yahoo images)

Managing Melodies

Someone once told me that when you display your faith, get ready for it to be tested.  In the last three weeks I have been displaying my faith, I suppose.  When the newspapers interviewed me, my platform was “The Power of Positivity.”  When I went on the radio Monday, I continued with that platform.  So, yesterday when my husband called me to tell me that the pipe in our bedroom burst and 5 rooms in the house were flooded, I shouldn’t have been surprised. 

I now know that when you step out and express your convictions and how much you value positivity, your Creator, and the inspiration your Creator gives you, the bar is raised to either fight the invisible battle between good and evil or to test your words of undying faith. Either way, I was not prepared yesterday. 

Since my life changed in April 2012 and I began to see the Creator on a new and more powerful level, I quit worrying about things.  I don’t fret anymore.  I know that the Creator handles everything on my behalf and for that I’m thankful.  Yesterday was the first time I’ve “worried” since April and, let me tell you, I’d forgotten how exhausting it is.  I’d forgotten just had detrimental it is to the soul.  I felt achy, tired, defeated, and utterly obliterated. 

I talked to my husband, the insurance company, and the clean up crew off and on all day yesterday.  With each call, I could feel a heaviness baring down on me; a heaviness I hadn’t felt since April.  I didn’t recognize the heaviness until this morning; that nagging negativity that sucks the life out of your being.  Amidst the chaos and destruction of yesterday, I lost sight of the Creator and the still small voice.  I kept getting comfort throughout the day, but I wasn’t sure what waited for me when I got home.  All I could go on is what everyone told me over the phone.

I am so glad that my life is a work in progress; that He never gives up on me.  That he can make teachable moments out of the most horrible things.  I kept thanking the Creator in my mind that no one was hurt, but I still felt the burden of worry resting on my shoulders.

Last night after work, as I stood in my living room looking at the industrial fans and the dehumidifier that the clean up crew put in place, I could only cry.  And then I heard it; the still small voice saying, “Now, aren’t you glad it’s wasn’t a fire?”  Glass half full.  My answer… “yes.” 

I am thankful that I was able to sleep in my house last night.  I am glad hat the damage was minimal.  I thank the Creator that this is all going to work out to His glory and for the betterment of me as a person.  I know this is a large bump in the road, but my belief in the power of positivity hasn’t been scorched.  I still believe that in every event there is some source of positive energy that can feed the human soul.  It took me waking up this morning with a fresh outlook to find the food for my soul and that I can express it in this blog.

Each time I write about something wonderful, it feeds my spirit.  Each time I thank the Creator with the words that I put on paper (or on the computer screen, whichever works), I can feel my spirit strengthening.  Bad things happen all of the time to all people, but I truly believe it’s how we handle those situations that determines the true outcome.  See it, dream it, attain it!  That’s a believe I won’t waiver from.  This situation with my house will give me opportunities; what sorts of opportunities, I’m not sure, but the Creator knows.  I trust Him.  So, I know that no matter what, His hand is in everything and He guides not only me, but those who come into contact with me, even if they don’t know it.  We are all instruments.  It’s up to us as to how we let the Creator manage our melodies.