Insecurities. We all have them. The reason I’m writing this today is because it has been a hot topic among my peers lately. Sometimes writing helps me makes sense of things, so perhaps typing this out will serve that purpose.
I believe that there is a tremendous difference in the way women and men handle personal insecurities. From what I’m gathering men tend to recognize insecurities, but then they promptly stick them in a box. They acknowledge the issue, but they quickly bury it and move forward. Women, on the other hand, seem to laser focus on them. We rip them apart, analyze each piece, put them all back together only to tear them apart again. We continue to focus on them until we get on everyone’s nerves. The problem is that we don’t mean to do it. We’d rather not even recognize those insecurities, but it’s not as easy as mind of matter especially when those insecurities are tested on a continuous basis. It’s like a cut that keeps getting infected. No matter how much we try to prevent the infection, somehow the bacteria sets up shop and will not stop until we take a round of antibiotics. Unfortunately, there are no antibiotics for insecurities that are a direct result of trauma and abuse.
For those who are survivors of abuse, whether it is childhood or otherwise, you know that it is easy to feel a little broken. Sadly, those around us often bear the brunt of our trauma. Most of that trauma is channeled into deep-seeded insecurities. They come out at the most inopportune times. This is a fact I am painfully aware of. However, no matter how much I would like to stop the cycle, I can’t seem to get a grasp on it.
A distinct lack of trust is born from those vast insecurities. While that hurts the ones we love, we can’t seem to stop ourselves. We make someone else pay for the sins of others. We are triggered by the damnedest things. Our feelings spiral out of control, and we feel like we may never reach secure footing. Even when people offer a hand, we don’t know whether to take it or not. They may hurt us.
Let’s go back to the continuous open wound. Working through insecurities and distrust takes a massive amount of time. We may make tremendous progress, but all it takes is one thing to reopen those nasty wounds. It can be something as minor as a word or it can be as big as someone’s actions. Typically, it’s both. This is where I’m at right now. I am trying daily to stitch myself up only to have the stitches ripped out continuously. My first instinct is to shut down and turn away from the thing that’s causing me pain. Yet, I keep at it because most of the time the pain is accidentally inflicted. It doesn’t mean that it hurts any less. The scar tissue doesn’t even have the time to form before those stitches are torn out again. Hell, I can’t even build up a scab let alone a scar.
I have a psychological background, so I know about mental illness, trauma, treatment, recovery, and therapies. Nonetheless, I can’t seem to find my own healing. It isn’t for a lack of trying either. I find that I just want to be a recluse and push away people who can and do cause me pain even if they don’t mean to. It’s easy to exist that way, but that’s no way to live. It’s a catch-22.
The thing about easing insecurities, jealousy, and rage is that we must feel in control, but control is an illusion. None of us ever truly have control. The loss of control fuels the anger and frustration which then feeds into the other negative feelings we battle. Again, a catch-22.
A lack of control seems to trigger me. I get really angry and want to throw up my hands. It’s easy to walk away, but is it really? Sometimes I believe the answer to that is “yes,” while at other times I believe it’s a hard “no.” It isn’t as simple as saying, “If it causes me pain, then I need to get away from it” because when you have suffered trauma, everything causes pain. The littlest things can cut very deeply, but no one seems to understand that unless they have been through something similar. However, I’ve seen people minimize the trauma of someone else. That isn’t right either.
I thought that by writing this I might find some answers, but it turns out that I haven’t. All I see is that my insecurities seem to continue to torture me no matter how much I don’t want them to, but on the flip side of that, I also realize that in some circumstances I am being set up to fail. So, is it really my fault? Or does the blame lie elsewhere? I wish I knew.
Maybe this will get a discussion started. I don’t know. What I do know is that facing my demons on a daily basis is exhausting, and it becomes even worse when other people are reinforcing all the pain that I already feel. When you know that others are working against you, then you feel like you have very little chance of even attempting to rise above the darker parts of yourself. That isn’t where I want to be, but it isn’t as easy as saying, “Well then change.” It is so much bigger than that.