Sanity 365

Well, it’s been one year since I was let go from my job. I felt like it was certainly appropriate to put up a blog post to celebrate the fact that I’m not dead and that the heartbreak and depression didn’t kill me. I’m alive! I cried more in the last year than I ever care to again. I found the deepest places of depression that I didn’t even think existed. I contemplated more drastic solutions than I ever thought possible. However, I am glad to say that those people didn’t break me and they didn’t take me.

I recounted my feelings on my YouTube Channel in the Stages of Chaos series. I hoped by doing those videos that I would find some peace. I felt broken, lost, horrified, betrayed, and ripped apart. All of those feelings boiled under the surface with each passing day of 2014. I had all of this education and training and nothing to show for it except insurmountable student loan debt. What’s a forensic psychology degree matter if you can’t use it, right?

I even was lured to a job interview last summer just so the individual interviewing me could find out what was going on with my past employer and what the legal proceedings looked like. I knew immediately when I walked through the door that they had no intention of hiring me and that the minute I walked out, the interviewer would be on the phone filling my previous employer in about everything I shared. This is why I DIDN’T share. That small voice inside my head that tells me when someone is lying spoke quite loudly that day. In fact, this suspicion was confirmed just this month when that same agency who decided I wasn’t good enough to hire last year called me again after I posted something on my Facebook about how I’d survived 2014 and the job loss. They were going to dig some more to see if I would violate the legal agreement that was settled upon. I didn’t fall for it and told them that they would have to pay me at least $25 an hour for drive time and compensation for my degree. I don’t think I’ll hear from them again.

I stand by the suggestion I’m about to give you… Always have a good attorney on hand. That’s as far as I’m going to go with that.Β The one thing I will say is even when you receive retribution, the damage you sustained is still there. You still find yourself picking up the pieces, trying to start over. I did this many, many times, crying myself to sleep. In fact, there are times I still wake up, sweat and tears pour, from reliving all of it in my sleep.

Starting over for me really began in December. That’s when my life turned around. I must give credit where it’s due. My parents helped keep me from being homeless all summer. My best friend kept me from giving up. My husband gave me the inspiration and ability to pursue a brand new path. My retirement and a settlement as well as my ability to manage money helped keep me from completely sinking and my brains kicked in when I went back for my State Tested Nurse Aide License and then again when I worked in a pharmacy for a brief period of time.

Looking back on all of that wretchedness, I can smile. I am still angry, don’t get me wrong, but I found hope. I found a new purpose. I published another book. I have my own radio show. I teach wonderful, talented young people. I still have the love and support of my family and TRUE friends. I still don’t get paid for my radio show. I still don’t make a lot of money off of my books. I actually laugh when I think of some of the interrogatory questions that were asked: “Is it true that you are a paranormal investigator?” “Is it true you have your own radio show?” “And you don’t get money for your radio show or your books?” No questions were asked about my character, my leadership, or my ability to do my job.

All in all, I thank those dastardly individuals for taking up arms against me. You brought me right to this spot where I’m standing. You brought me right to the place I needed to be. I never thought I’d write another book or create another word, yet I am. You should really be careful when you anger an author (that’s all I’m going to say on that front as well).

So, I tip my hat to you and I bid you well. Remember that the old saying still holds true, “What goes around comes around.” Karma has a profound way of collecting debt, so when you look back at what you did to me and all of the pain you inflicted, remember that someday, when you least expect it, you’ll have to pay the piper. You think what you did was right. You think what you did was acceptable and justified. People that aren’t wrong, don’t offer up any sort of retribution. Remember that, too.

Some have said that I let the thoughts of all of this eat me up; that I shouldn’t dwell on it. I don’t dwell on it, but as is true with any trauma, the circumstances creep in whether we like it or not. I am better now for the most part. Most days are better than others. Each day is certainly better than the one before. I actually feel somewhat liberated. I don’t have to watch what I say or if I voice my opinion too strongly. I don’t have to worry about being “called in on the carpet” for saying what I think. I don’t have to punch a time clock and worry about walking in from lunch two minutes late and who will tell on me. Those things I absolutely don’t miss. I don’t miss the backbiting and backstabbing; the whispers and spying. So, really, I am in a much better environment.

My husband said that if I really wanted to be successful I should work for myself. So, that’s what I’m doing. I loved working at the pharmacy. I was so thankful that they saw things from my point of view and hired me. But, working for myself is where I need to be and it’s exactly what I need to be doing. I help out at a local school from time to time, which also fulfills a desire I didn’t have time to pursue.

Losing my job forced me to change. It forced me to go through a growth spurt I wouldn’t have gone through otherwise. It helped me appreciate things more. It revealed the people who were really my friends and the ones that were too scared of the powers-that-be to even think of talking to me. It showed me who was loyal and who really didn’t care. It opened my eyes to so much more. So, even though I thought the situation may do me in, it didn’t do that at all. It gave me muscles and helped me root into the world I was meant to be a part of all along: publishing and creative design.

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4 responses to “Sanity 365

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