Rare Form: Letting the Darkness Out

I sincerely apologize for the side of me you are about to see, but I have nearly reached a limit with my personal patience. I typically post positive things; uplifting things. However, despite all of the sunshine and rainbows, I have down days, weeks, and months, just as everyone else does. I am in rare form, so I will warn you before you read this, this post isn’t about promotion or an announcement or literature or my books or anything else I normally post on my blog. It is about reaching a personal limit, being sad, being discouraged, and writing/venting to work through it. That’s how I roll. Let the chips fall where they may!

I am the kind of person that shies away from negativity. The saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything at all” comes to mind. I am encouraging this right now. I am very tired of seeing negative comments on, not only my own posts, but on other posts as well, whether it be on Facebook or another social site. My unsolicited advice would be to simply be quiet! If you do not agree with something someone says, don’t look at it. Don’t acknowledge it. By saying something mean you are drawing attention to yourself. Perhaps that is what the point is. Perhaps some individuals do not get enough attention and must seek it by whatever means possible. I do not happen to be one of those people and I certainly do not advocate for that behavior.

My patience is wearing thin in many, many aspects of my life. I can hear the voice of my mom as she says, “Say what you mean and mean what you say!” Those words were never truer. If you make a promise to someone or lead them to believe something will happen, then do it! Don’t just talk about it! Do it! Otherwise, their trust in you with flounder and then guess what will happen? You will eventually lose them. Their faith in your ability and your integrity will be lost, ergo they will be a memory for you; they will not stick around if they have sense.

I am wondering about a great many things I’m currently involved in. I am always a little late on trends, fads, etc… Making resolutions are no exception. I have made a resolution to myself to do be mindful of things; see what yields benefits and see what doesn’t work. From there, make an educated assessment about the future outcomes. Make arrangements to change things.

Sometimes I think that we are destined to walk through a particular door at a particular time in our lives. Once through it, another door opens. Sometimes the door we just left behind slams.  It was simply a way for us to get to point B. Other times both doors stay wide open and we can come and go as we please. I know I must seem that I’m talking in circles, but I do know what I’m talking about, I promise.

An example is this: I dreamed of becoming a published author. Okay, checkmark; that’s done. That has led to several different things, one being blogtalk radio and Youtube. Another door, which I was forced to go through, was learning everything there was about marketing, sales, campaigning, web building, Youtubing, Googling, interviewing, blogs, blog hops, blog tours, and a host of other skill sets I never thought I’d be required to learn. So, was my writing just an avenue to get somewhere else? Is that why I can’t seem to focus and make any headway with my writing? Or am I just so spent I can’t concentrate? Why does it take me four years to write a book? Why can’t I just pump one out three times a year? After all, everyone says that is the secret: publishing multiple books so your name is recognizable. My reality tells me I cannot do that. There aren’t enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month, or months in the year. Am I happy with what reality is telling me? No. I have a vision and it’s just outside of my grasp. There’s the frustration. I’ve heard it time and time again:  Authors don’t write because they want to be millionaires; they write because they love it. That is very, very true. I can tell you from a personal point of view, if you do not see some sort of return on your hard work you are going to get discouraged. It is the nature of the beast, no doubt about it. That is just the way it is.

As a new author, I also had to learn that giving away something may be the only way to attract attention, even if you are going in the hole. Example: when I attended a festival in the tri-state area, I literally went in the red financially. Lesson learned: don’t go back… note to self: stick to literary based events. However, not all was lost. I made connections with some wonderful people and I networked. What is the benefit cost of that? Priceless.

When I stand back and analyze, I try to figure out where exactly the deep discouragement is coming from. As a psychologist, I’m trained to pinpoint the source and work from there. As far as my writing, the market is absolutely flooded right now with books and authors and people. How in the world is one to compete with this? I think it is wonderful that publication isn’t the way it used to be. The world of literature has come a long way. The other aspect that plays into that is the poor economy. Are you going to spend money on a loaf of bread for your family or a book? I’d hope your answer would be a loaf of bread.

Another source of discouragement: My day job. As thankful as I am for it, it gets more difficult with each passing minute. I am saddened by the consistent ruin of children due to substance abuse and the dependent way of life that they are continually taught. I am angered by the complete lack of respect that people seem to have for one another. I want to vomit because of the abuse I see to not only of people and children, but other living things in general. I’m tired of being called uncaring or unfeeling or biased because I expect someone to work for what they have, not wait on my taxes to give it to them. I’m tired of learned hopelessness and learned helplessness. I’m sick of the lack of accountability in general. Lying seems to be the only way that some people get what they want. I am sick of being lied to! I want people to shake off this lack of accountability that runs rampant in this world and step up! If you did something wrong, admit it, go on, and live life to the fullest. 

Also, I know reality says that everyone plays favorites. That’s inevitable, but this hurts people. Be fair. If you’re going to say, “Hey you did great!” that’s fine, but share that with someone else, too. Just because someone decides to work 24/7 doesn’t make them capable. It simply means they work 24/7 (again I know I’m talking in circles).

Another piece of advice, don’t forget those that are important to you. Once the dust settles, you may look around and they could be gone. When you put absolutely everything else above someone you supposedly care about, don’t be surprised if they throw their hands up and walk off. What do you expect them to do? Wait? Asking them to be patient is fine, but neglecting someone is never okay. I am saying this for myself also, not just other people. I need to take a good long look at people who are important and put them at the top of the list.

I guess my point is this: BE NICE! This blog, for me today, has been cathartic. Sometimes if you do not let out the darkness the light can’t get back in. I want to footnote this by saying this rant isn’t about one person, two people; it’s not directed at anyone. It is me letting the darkness out. I don’t know how else to do it. I write. That’s what I do. So my sincere apologies if anyone feels that they are being targeted or that I’m using my blog to offend people or hurt them. I’m not. If you don’t do something therapeutic every once in a while you will, undoubtedly, go insane!  And for the record, I wrote this during a break!

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12 responses to “Rare Form: Letting the Darkness Out

  1. While I appreciate most of what you are saying. Stop apologizing! Those that understand and know you will support you and back you all the way. Those that do not never bothered to take the time or interest. A while ago I met a new author on line, that I have never to this day met in person. I saw in her an intelligence and drive that commanded respect. I saw a woman that was not another “fly-by-night” or “better than thou” writer, but a person that I could form a strong friendship with.I saw you as someone that was not going to be a waste of my time. Friendship is why I bother to comment and offer you insights into things that I think may help you along the way. I have more acquaintances then people I call friends and I take that very seriously. You have always been kind to me and for that I thank-you. As for writing remember that it is not the quantity, but quality that gain you followers. So if people are at all offended by the above message…it is just part of you and isn’t all of you,, your experiences, and view of the world that becomes the written word…Do what you want to do. Don’t let anyone influence that but you!

  2. I agree with you Tracee….there are times you just have to let it rip. There is so much to do and sometimes everything seems to conspire against one. Just know that if you are putting forth your best effort, and I believe that you are, that is all that counts!

  3. At my day job, I feel like Wile E. Coyote opening boxes full of ACME products that don’t work. 😉
    Of late, it seems like the “universe” is on a bender of pent-up frustration, where everyone wants to be somewhere else and even be someone else.

  4. So glad you were able to vent out your frustration and those feelings, Tracee, but you don’t have to apologize for them. We’re human beings and have a wide spectrum of emotions, which are healthy to express. Don’t know why I’m telling you this, given you’re a psychiatrist.;) Mathair was in a car accident in 2008, and then we lost three members of our family (one being her father) within a three month period. Because she mourning the loss of her father, grandfather and uncle from Mesothelioma, I handed her a computer and told her to write. We joined a writing group a little later, who encouraged us to write together and we haven’t looked back since. So, you can see that writing has been our form expression and venting and it has helped us immensely. BTW, totally agree with your being nice mantra. Mathair always taught me to treat others with respect and the same courtesy I would expect them to treat me with. Hope you have a better week.

  5. Be Encouraged Tracee. Take heart and know that you are you. You lay down with your thoughts and you wake up to them. No one in the world will ever know you the way YOU do. *hugs* If you write one book in ten years it’s the labor of love that makes the journey so sweet (and sometimes bitter). To Kill a Mockingbird was the only book Harper Lee ever published and who knows how long it took her to write that. I too believe there is a season for everything and to everything a season. Just be encouraged. You have a voice, you have a gift and thank you for sharing both.

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